When I got out of the house for tuition today, I wore the simplest tee I could find, slipped on my shorts, went without makeup, put on the plainest ear studs, wore my slippers that didn't go with anything, and went on my way. I forgot when was the last time I was so image-unconscious. All I was thinking in my head, all else doesn't really matter.

The worst thing to start getting used to is the fact of back-to-zero obligations. Don't buy the going back to normal kind of saying. One thousand and one plans and hopes in my head, all it takes is one sentence, and everything comes downhill again. And it makes me wonder why am I so foolish to still harbour many high hopes when I jolly well know I shouldn't.

Then I wonder, is this really a period of recovery, or is it just temporal self-delusion.

I don't weep anymore, tears form up at the corner of my eyes, but very soon pride swallows them up. You tell yourself countless reasons why there isn't a need to cry now that the dust is settled, but the momentary loneliness and helplessness creeps into your heart every now and then when you let down your guard.

And then you'd like to convince yourself, come on cheer up, your friends are still there, activities are lining up, the new one comes only when the old goes away. After all the brain-washing, you're left wondering whether you're laughing because the show was funny, or the words spoken really made a good joke, or you're just trying to show people you're still breathing, eating and sleeping.

So, you end up not crying, yet you end up not smiling. What are you? A person devoid of true feelings. A person where society and people tell you not to yield to your true feelings all the time. Will things really heal faster like that?

When obviously you need encouragement, you see that people are expecting you to be well, people needing greater support from you than you from them. You whisk a smile to the best of your ability, tell them it's ok, and comfort them with the best words you can find when you yourself can't control the hurt inside.

Nowadays I don't really have a choice about what I do. I realise I only need to tell myself I have to do it, I must do it, I just follow and do it. Probably as time goes by, I just stop asking why, I just go about doing things, lamenting "it's just like that".

If I really had a choice of things, I would like to go up to Heaven. I would like to ask Him, "Is this really the way?"